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Natural Selections Spinach Fails in Breeding Popeye-like Race

A nationwide E. coli outbreak outbreak was traced to Natural Selection Foods, based in San Juan Bautista, California.  Food and Drug Administration officials said that they had received reports of illness in 19 states, and issued a statement saying, “We can’t stands no more,” and ordered supermarkets across the country to pull spinach from shelves and consumers to toss out the leafy green.

Halliburton Charged Millions to Government for Services Never Provided to U.S. Troops in Iraq 

Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown & Root charged millions to the government for recreational services never provided to U.S. troops in Iraq, including giant tubs of chicken wings and tacos, a widescreen TV, and cheese sticks meant for a military Super Bowl party, according to a federal whistle-blower suit unsealed Friday.  Instead, the suit alleges, Kellogg, Brown & Root used the military’s supplies for its own football party.

David J. Lesar, Chairman of the Board, President and Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton dismissed the charges, “Do you have any idea how many billions of dollars of services that we have not provided for the troops that we have not billed for at all?  Besides, what’s a few millions between friends?  Personally, or perhaps on my corporate expense account, I can’t seem to remember, I’ve spent at least $23 million on Super Bowl parties.  Ask Dick Cheney and that Bush guy he hangs out with; they’re the best!  In fact, if we are going to play political football with every fraud we commit, I’m going to need a lot of snacks.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Polling Company Makes Fake Polls for Fake Politicians

The owner of DataUSA Inc., a company that conducted political polls for the campaigns of President Bush, Sen. Joe Lieberman and other candidates, pleaded guilty to fraud for making up survey and poll results.  DataUSA defended its inactions saying, “We were very careful to work only for fake candidates, like President Bush, who isn’t really a president, or Joe Lieberman, who isn’t really a Democrat.  We believe that our polling company is a perfect match for the credibility of our clients.  The fact that is illegal only proves our point.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Bush Attempts to Demonstrate Overt Intelligence

Vice President Bush hoping to demonstrate some overt intelligence, for the first time, acknowledged the existence of secret CIA prisons around the world.  “One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror,” Mr. Bush said.  One pundit responded, “It seems that Bush and his “hardest part” is a partnership that seems to be screwing up the hole Middle East.”  Bush bemoaned, “I’ve done my best to make Iraq and terror synonymous, but Americans and anti-Americans alike just want to call it a ‘quagmire,’ a ‘civil war,’ or even ‘Bush’s bungling.’  This couldn’t be farther from the truth; trust me, in Iraq, the truth lies.’  Bush admitted that “Secretly it tortures me.  This is pretty rich data that we’ve gotten from illegal interrogations.  And when I say ‘rich’ I mean ‘rich.’  Americans know that I won’t tolerate anything ‘poor.’  Do you have any idea how many billions of dollars we’ve spent and how many human rights abuses we’ve had to commit in order to get a tiny bit of information, which is probably false or misleading?  Frankly, this is probably the richest data in U.S. intelligence history!  You know, one way to look at it is we have to be right 100 percent of the time in order to protect this country, and they got to be right once.  I wish that me being right just once would be enough for my enemies, but it’s not.  In fact, I’ve been about as right as anyone can be, and the victims of my bungling just keep complaining.” Mr. Bush added that when he thinks about potential threats, his biggest fear is that “somebody will come in, slip into this country and kill Americans.  I’d much rather send tens of thousands of Americans to occupy a foreign land, so that our enemies don’t have to board planes to kill Americans.”
 

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Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Elephant Slaughter Prevention Act Fails as Republican Election Year Gambit

The Congressional Republicans legislative agenda galloped forward yesterday with the Horse Slaughter Prevention Act.  Trumping peace, jobs, education and health care, Republicans mustered the courage to show a little respect to horse sense.  Nonetheless, congressional Republicans’ courage was tempered by Democratic procedural maneuvering which successfully amended the original bill put forward, the Elephant Slaughter Prevention Act, a thinly-veiled election season gambit.  Congressional Democrats were at first confused as to whether the original bill referred to electorally endangered Republicans, their ‘white elephant’ policies, or their ‘pink elephant’ denial of their policies’ disastrous effect.

Democrats regrouped while Republicans in red states angrily fought for locating proposed ‘elephant preserves’ in their district.  One Democrat stood shouting “Hell to the furor, we should replace the term ‘pork barrel’ with ‘elephant preserve.’ “  The lone Democrat stubbornly refused to budge in threatening a substitute bill, The Donkey Preservation Act.  Against all odds, the mulish Democrat was rescued by the powerful Grape Jelly Producers Association which canned the deal for fear of alleged competition from a glut of ‘elephant preserves.’   This jarred their traditional Republican supporters who have never before sided with ‘bread and butter’ Democrats.  Things got a little out of hand after the Horse Slaughter Prevention Act passed.  Democrats were gleefully giggling at their victory, especially with their large number of dark horse candidates this election season.  Then, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert lost it, jumped up on the table, and screamed, “Eat me!”   One of the sharper Democratic congressmen quickly retorted, “Get with the times.  The whole point of today was to get the horse’s ass off the table.  Take it easy, I’m sure the president will sign it for you!”  A Grape Jelly Producers Association spokesmen was overherd saying, “When it comes to this ‘elephant preserves’ fiasco, we will never forget.”  One openly shocked observer noted, “Republicans were ultimately embarrassed by these acts and compromising positions with elephants and donkeys, so they settled for horses.”  House Speaker Hastert was somewhat disappointed with settling for the Horse Prevention Act, but had to declare, “Today, the ‘nays’ have it.”  In the end, he reluctantly agreed to sweeping changes since “fewer and fewer Americans are buying this elephant stuff anyway.  We may not win, but we will place or show.” 

In an unrelated story, Iraqi citizens flooded the U.S. Embassy in Iraq and the Coalition Authority headquarters, hoping to get reclassified as a horse and prevent the slaughter.  One Iraqi after failing to be reclassified remarked, “Well, I guess, you can lead the Americans to slaughter but you can’t make them think.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Bush Offers “Professional Courtesy” to Serbian War Criminals

The European Union called for “substantial improvement” in Serbia’s relations with the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia. Until now, Serbia has not managed to arrest war crime suspects, such as General Ratko Mladic.  In response to the lack of U.S. pressure to prosecute war criminals, Vice President Bush stated, “When it comes to war crimes, I believe in ‘innocent until proven guilty.’  I have decided to extend professional courtesy to these alleged Serbian war criminals.  If we were to track down and prosecute every war criminal, war would be become too much of a burden to bear.  Besides, I have enough of my Republican colleagues and friends under indictment or criminal investigation to worry about.  I hate to see this criminal behavior politicized.  This is no time to play the blame game — we’ve got wars to wage, an empire to run, and pardons to consider.  If my friends and colleagues go to jail, haven’t the terrorists already won?”

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Republican Senator George Allen STEALS an Amendment!

Republican U.S. Senator George Allen today stole a Department of Defense appropriations amendment written, printed and prepared by Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill), and then announced the amendment as his own, moments before Durbin was prepared to introduce the amendment on the Senate floor.  Sen. Allen, befuddled by all the uproar, amended his earlier defense, stating, “In defense of appropriating the Defense appropriation amendment, I’d like to amend any earlier defenses.  My constituents, Senator Durbin’s constituents, our constituents, understand that as a Bible believing Christian I am prone to take things literally, although I was actually standing up, not prone, when I took Senator Durbin’s amendment.”  Critics were oddly satisfied by this response, since the “taking things literally” defense seemed to explain much of Senator Allen’s political career, including support for the Iraq oil war and tax breaks for his rich buddies.

In an unrelated story, The Association of American Libraries reported that The Holy Bible once again tops the list of the most stolen books from American libraries.  A spokesman cited a growing number of religious fundamentalists which “literally take the Bible literally.”

Kansas Republicans Evolve — Into Democrats

Apparently, an incumbent governor and a former chair of the Kansas Republican party, among others, are sick and tired of fighting over Darwinism and have decided to evolve into Democrats.  Of course, in the face of this blasphemy, most Kansas Republicans have re-affirmed their incapability of evolving.  A steadfast Kansas Republican declared, “God created the Kansas Republican Party and a few blasphemers can’t change that; though, actually, we don’t really like to call it a ‘party,’ because that could lead to sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll.  In Kansas, Republicans outnumber Democrats 2-to-1.  Democrats will never outnumber us here in God’s country, because they abort their children and encourage unfruitful homosexual relationships.  We know that their secret weapon is cloning, but Republicans have long ago perfected all being the same — so there!”

Afghan Opium Crop Exceeds Global Consumption

The United Nations says that opium cultivation is out of control, with Afghanistan’s crop totaling 92% of the world’s supply, which exceeds global consumption.  Immediately, John Bolton, United States’ ambassador to the United Nations, criticized the U.N. for picking on a member nation, “We shouldn’t second guess a sovereign nation’s need for economic development, and Afghanistan’s agricultural renaissance is an economic miracle.”  Critics were quick to point out to Bolton that opium production and heroin trafficking is illegal.  Bolton, rebuffed them as naysayers, citing, “Actually, there are very few laws in Afghanistan that anybody takes very seriously.  It is really a great incubator for the free market.”  Ambassador Bolton, a controversial “recess” appointment by President George W. Bush, was once again reaffirmed by Mr. Bush, “Hey, if I want to appoint somebody while I’m on vacation or recess or whatever, I’ll do it.  I’m a doing president.  The real crime here is that heroin consumption is dangerously low for our world economy’s health.”  Bush urged Americans, the largest consumers of drugs of all sorts in the world, to step up to the plate and match world production.  U.S. Commerce Secretary Carlos M. Gutierrez stated that he was looking into some kind of business marketing and development grant to Afghani entrepreneurs.  He added, “The Taliban almost completely destroyed this business sector.  We glad to play any part we can in their turnaround.”  Critics continued to push the issue of hypocrisy within the administration and its “war on drugs.”  An administration official, speaking only on condition of unanimity, stated, “The subtlety of our war on drugs is lost on many Americans.  You see, Afghanistan doesn’t actually have oil, just oil pipelines.  So, this type of agricultural production does not interfere, in fact, in this case of heroin, it pacifies.  However, take Columbia, they actually have lots of oil, and cocaine production ‘hypes thing up,’ thus representing a threat.  Nevertheless, to the average drug-using American, the administration’s policies make perfect sense.”

Bush is Offensive President

Bush compares current Iraqi conflict to WWII. You know, because Hitler was appointed, not elected, used a domestic terrorist attack to justify the invasion of powerless nations that posed no threat, and demonized his critics as putting the nation at risk

Bush Casts Iraq War as Buttress to U.S. Freedom - L.A. Times

Suggesting a new version of the discredited domino theory — that failure to defeat communism in Southeast Asia would lead to communist attacks on the United States — he said that if the United States left Iraq before that country was secure in its democracy, the battle against terrorism would eventually be fought on American streets.

Bush added, “The domino theory needs to be resurrected.  I’ve laid my cards on the table and everyone knows that I’m playing with double zeros; that is, if Dick Cheney helps.  This is our key to victory, our not-so-secret weapon if you will.”

“We will stay on the offense,” he vowed. “We will fight the terrorists overseas so we do not have to face them here at home.”

First Lady Laura Bush echoed these sentiments and said that she would welcome him back as soon as the mission was accomplished.  Bush concluded, “I am the offensive president, and I have nothing to defend.” 

Freedom from Health Insurance Marches on

The U.S. Census Bureau yesterday released its annual report that estimates the number of uninsured Americans, showing that there are now 46.6 million Americans living without health insurance.  President Bush immediately declared “mission accomplished” as millions more Americans are no longer burdened with a broken health care system.  Bush stated, “I have heard the cries of the American people.  They no longer want to deal with such a sick system.  Hordes of Americans, rich and poor alike, are exercising their freedom to leave our crazy health insurance system.”  Bush applauded the courage of these bold new freedom fighters and renewed his commitment to supporting their venture of 18,000 sacrificial premature deaths each year.  Bush proposed eliminating the death tax in response to so many more expected deaths.  “While most Americans resist incentives to die, such as our poorly organized health care system, getting rid of the death tax removes one more barrier.  With the burden of the existing death tax, who knows, Americans may choose to live forever; and that surely would overwhelm our health care system, not to mention threatening social security and having to deal with so many old fogies on the road.”

In an unrelated story, Bush touted Armageddon and the rapture as means to offset the overwhelming influx of illegal aliens.

[for serious coverage on the uninsured, visit www.CoverTheUninsured.org]