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Archive for the News Commentary Category

Habeas Corpus Detained Indefinitely As Enema Combatant

October 4, 2006 by PunsNotGunsPeaceBlog.

Habeas Corpus Detained Indefinitely As Enema Combatant

Vice president Bush conceded that the latest U.S. political prisoner, identified only as Habeas Corpus, is being detained indefinitely. Bush cited that the suspect clearly fits the profile of ‘Latin origin,” possibly even Columbian or Venezuelan, indicating “foreign sympathies.” Mr. Bush said that in his regular meeting with government linguists, he learned that they had intercepted a communication from a “known leftist professor” regarding “some dead language.” Mr. Corpus was arrested after National Security Agency analysts identified “numerous and undeniable” references to him by “American Civil Liberties Union lawyers, known Democrats, and others known to risk national security for the rule of law; plus a shit-load of secret evidence.” An ACLU spokeswomen did admit, “Habeas Corpus is a critical agent as an enema combatant in this bull shit war.” Mr. Bush rebuked reporters saying, “even reporting on the detention of Habeas Corpus could endanger true Americans. But, I’ve had to put up with countless ordeals at the hands of a free press. I just hope that it happens quickly. It is my conviction that mine will be a speedy trial.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth. Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president. For more great funny political satire slogans & sayings check out TopPun.com - Maximizing Prophets

Posted in Funny Headlines and News, News Commentary, Anti-Bush, Anti-War, Peace, Uncategorized | Print | No Comments »

Bush Attacks Own Intelligence in Iraq, Causes Civil War

September 28, 2006 by PunsNotGunsPeaceBlog.

Bush Attacks Own Intelligence in Iraq, Causes Civil War

The war in Iraq has become a “cause célèbre” for Islamic militants, “breeding a deep resentment” of the United States in the Muslim world, according to declassified excerpts from a major intelligence report. “The Iraqi jihad is shaping a new generation of terrorist leaders and operatives; perceived jihadist success there would inspire more fighters to continue the struggle elsewhere,” the excerpts said.

Vice president Bush suffered a violent reaction to his own intelligence in Iraq, causing “confusion,” or as the rest of the world calls it, “civil war.” In a boldly honest move, Bush had the controversial report declassified as intelligence, citing, “The National Intelligence Estimate is just an estimate, and more often than not I have to live with almost immeasurably small quantities of intelligence. Not reading stuff definitely leads to confusion; trust me, I know. I’ve read most of the three pages of excerpts from the full document, a freakin’ novel at 30 pages. Now, I am less confused than I’ve ever been. Democrats want to ‘de-class-ify’ everything, as if we were talking about some class war here. This is about the permanent war on Islamo-fascism. The American people will now be able to judge if there is any class at all in what we are doing, and I think not!”

Posted in Funny Headlines and News, News Commentary, Anti-Bush, Anti-War, Peace, Uncategorized | Print | No Comments »

Bush Declares Iraq War Will One Day Look Like a Coma

September 26, 2006 by PunsNotGunsPeaceBlog.

Bush Declares Iraq War Will One Day Look Like a Coma

CNN aired an interview with President Bush in which he declared that one day the Iraq war will look like “just a comma.” The National Intelligence Estimate declared that the war in Iraq has increased Islamic radicalism, worsening the overall terror threat, cutting at the heart of the White House defense of its strategy. The assessment “should put the final nail in the coffin for President Bush’s phony argument about the Iraq war,” Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA) said in a statement. Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) said that “my feeling is the war in Iraq has intensified Islamic fundamentalism and radicalism.” But the Senate majority leader, Billl Frist, said “we are going to be fighting this battle, this war overseas, or it’s going to be right here in this country.”

Vice president Bush put the controversy to rest when he corrected his statement, “After a good night’s sleep and reflecting on my presidency, what I meant to say was that one day the Iraq war will look like just a coma.”

Posted in Funny Headlines and News, News Commentary, Anti-Bush, Anti-War, Peace, Uncategorized | Print | No Comments »

Natural Selections Spinach Fails in Breeding Popeye-like Race

September 25, 2006 by PunsNotGunsPeaceBlog.

Natural Selections Spinach Fails in Breeding Popeye-like Race

A nationwide E. coli outbreak outbreak was traced to Natural Selection Foods, based in San Juan Bautista, California. Food and Drug Administration officials said that they had received reports of illness in 19 states, and issued a statement saying, “We can’t stands no more,” and ordered supermarkets across the country to pull spinach from shelves and consumers to toss out the leafy green.

Natural Selection’s spokesman, Bluto Brutowski, said, “While we underestimated the wimpiness of the American people, our genetically engineered spinach was designed to weed out the weakest consumers and ultimately would help Americans evolve into a Popeye-like race. Through a grant from The United States Department of Homeland Security and extensive Saturday morning focus group testing, Natural Selection’s Popeye Project determined that ‘E. coli friendly spinach’ was the quickest route to a ‘terrorist resistant populace,’ able to withstand bullying from the biggest of brutes. We first developed a genetically engineered yam called, ‘I yam what I yam, and that’s all I yam,’ but it was lethal to wannabes of all varieties. We really thought that spinach was the route to go, but we may have to fall back to our ‘Swee’Pea‘ line of genetically engineered baby foods. Also, we are negotiating financing with J. Wellington Wimpy Federal Bank for a genetically engineered hamburger. Mr. Wimpy, CEO, seemed particularly impressed with our business plan of ‘I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.’ We have had setbacks before, but we are ready to move forward. Natural Selection’s originally tried taking sailors who had genetically engineered large brachioradialis muscles in their forearms and mating them with females who had genetically engineered ‘Olive Oyl‘ body types. Unfortunately, we learned that Olive Oyl is considered a little to ‘chunky’ compared to the contemporary American males’ idealized female body form.

Vice president Bush expressed surprise that The Popeye Project had taken a beating, and he broke into song, singing “I’m one tough gazookus, which hates all palookas, wot ain’t on the up and square, I biffs ‘em and buffs ‘em, an’ always outroughs ‘em, an’ none of ‘em gets nowhere.”

Posted in News Commentary, Funny Headlines and News, Anti-Bush, Uncategorized | Print | 1 Comment »

Bush Lauds NATO Casualties Hitting 5-Year High in Afghanistan

September 20, 2006 by PunsNotGunsPeaceBlog.

Bush Lauds NATO Casualties Hitting 5-Year High in Afghanistan

The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) pleas for more soldiers and equipment to fight resurgent Taliban insurgents as NATO’s forces are suffering the highest casualty rates of the nearly five-year-long conflict in Afghanistan, and as European governments are feeling stretched by the demands for troops there and in Iraq, Lebanon, the Balkans and in several African countries. Vice president Bush, lauded the progress, “This just proves how desperate the Taliban are. In a mere five years, we’ve moved past the illusion of swift victory into a long-term acceptance of unnecessary and growing deaths among Allied forces. While death reigns supreme in Afghanistan, our resolve is literally untouched. I’ve certainly learned that I can’t rely on intelligence to resolve military matters. We’ll slug it out no matter what the facts are on the ground. And until we’ve achieved whatever objectives are that we want to achieve, we will continue working to achieve our objectives.”

Posted in Funny Headlines and News, News Commentary, Anti-Bush, Anti-War, Peace, Uncategorized | Print | No Comments »

Republicans ‘Fun With Guns’ Shoot Top Two-Dimensional Democrats

September 16, 2006 by PunsNotGunsPeaceBlog.

College Republicans “Fun With Guns” Shoot Top Two-Dimensional Democrats

Republicans on Tuesday distanced themselves from campaign activities that encourage college students shoot cardboard cutouts of leading Democrats with a BB gun or paintball gun. The Republican National Committee said it had no connection with Morgan Wilkins, the woman accused of organizing the offbeat campaign activities at the University of Michigan; although the RNC admitted that there is more connection than Iraq and 9/11. Paul Gourley, chair of the College Republican National Committee, said Wilkins is an independent contractor hired to recruit students to the GOP, but he said the reported activities were not authorized. Gourley said, “We don’t authorize activities We just contract with Republican operatives and give them money. Maintaining plausible deniability is at the core of our contractual relationships. We’re not stupid!”

Democrats objected to the “Fun with Guns” event in strenuously luke-warm terms, “It’s not that we dare oppose the gun lobby during an election season, nor are we opposed to gun owners having fun. We need the gun vote to out-Republican the Republicans, which by the way is getting harder every day! We may not be able to come up with a coherent opposition to the war and violence in Iraq, or the daily gun violence in the streets of America, but we will say that shooting cardboard cutouts is just plain wrong. We refuse to stand silent while others take aim at two-dimensional Democratic favorites such as Sens. Hillary Clinton and John Kerry with a BB gun or paintball gun.

One observer adroitly noted, “Wouldn’t it make better sense to run over middle-of-the-road Democrats than to shoot them?”

Get Weapon Free Zone (No Guns Allowed) - PEACE POSTER

Posted in News Commentary, Funny Headlines and News, Uncategorized | Print | 1 Comment »

Gas Prices Could Plummet to Fuel Big Oil Election

September 16, 2006 by PunsNotGunsPeaceBlog.

Gas Prices Could Plummet to Fuel Big Oil Election

Philip K. Verleger, a noted energy consultant who was a lone voice several years ago in warning that oil prices would soar, now says that they appear to be poised for a dramatic plunge, perhaps as low as $1.15 a gallon. A spokesperson for the Petroleum Profiteers Association said, “We have gas price gouged the American public enough. Our multi-billion dollar cash reserves can now be used to fuel public confidence in a cheap petroleum economy and once again help assure big oil Republicans can win in the Fall elections. We have heard the calls to give something back, and this is it.” When confronted with the likelihood that gas price gouging would just start again once well-oiled politicians were in place, the spokesman replied, “We can’t predict the future, and if we could, we might not have to raise prices so high. Big oil is victimized by uncertainty just like our consumers are victimized by us.”

Vice president Bush welcomed the possibility of lower oil prices, “I see it as a vote of confidence in our ability to finally extract our oil from under the sand of our most unstable enemies.”

In an unrelated story, the globe warms to news of the unbridled free market accurately predicting the true cost of oil.

Posted in Funny Headlines and News, News Commentary, Anti-Bush, Anti-War, Peace, Uncategorized | Print | 1 Comment »

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Archive for the News Commentary Category

Habeas Corpus Detained Indefinitely As Enema Combatant

Bush Attacks Own Intelligence in Iraq, Causes Civil War

Bush Declares Iraq War Will One Day Look Like a Coma

Natural Selections Spinach Fails in Breeding Popeye-like Race

Bush Lauds NATO Casualties Hitting 5-Year High in Afghanistan

Republicans ‘Fun With Guns’ Shoot Top Two-Dimensional Democrats

Gas Prices Could Plummet to Fuel Big Oil Election