Top Pun’s Puns Not Guns Peace Blog

Bush Lauds NATO Casualties Hitting 5-Year High in Afghanistan

The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) pleas for more soldiers and equipment to fight resurgent Taliban insurgents as NATO’s forces are suffering the highest casualty rates of the nearly five-year-long conflict in Afghanistan, and as European governments are feeling stretched by the demands for troops there and in Iraq, Lebanon, the Balkans and in several African countries.  Vice president Bush, lauded the progress, “This just proves how desperate the Taliban are.  In a mere five years, we’ve moved past the illusion of swift victory into a long-term acceptance of unnecessary and growing deaths among Allied forces.  While death reigns supreme in Afghanistan, our resolve is literally untouched.  I’ve certainly learned that I can’t rely on intelligence to resolve military matters.  We’ll slug it out no matter what the facts are on the ground.  And until we’ve achieved whatever objectives are that we want to achieve, we will continue working to achieve our objectives.”
 

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Pope Apologizes to Muslims for Condemning Them to Hell

Pope Benedict XVI apologized to Muslims for “offending their sensibilities.”  Pope Benedict clarified his remarks by saying, “It was never my intention to cause any discomfort to the Hell-bound Muslims.  I am humble enough to realize that I have overstepped my place.  God has prepared a burning, fiery Hell for Muslims and there is no need for me to add any discomfort to the perfect eternal torment that God has prepared for them.”  Pope Benedict extended his healing hand of reconciliation to all non-Catholics, “I have the highest commitment possible to treating all Hell-bound non-Catholics equally, whether Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, Confucian, Sikh, Baha’i, Jain, Shinto, Juche, Spiritist, Zoroastrian, Unitarian-Universalist, Rastafarian, Scientologist, Pagan, or atheist.  You can rest assured that I don’t care what your political beliefs are, what sexual perversions you may practice, how “good” you try to be, how you treat your neighbor, the sojourner in your land, the poor, widowed, orphaned, sick, or imprisoned.”  Pope Benedict’s remarks were cheered by the few certified, sanctified Catholics left.

In an unrelated story, Pope Benedict declares that “church is no place for sinners.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.

Oxymoron Bush Pens With “Presidential Sharpies”

When vice president Bush is not using Crayola crayons, he prefers to pen with “Presidential Sharpies.”  Why does Bush insist upon Sharpies?  Because, “They’re so easy to use, and I am the user, the one who uses.”  Bush passes out “Presidential Sharpies” only to close associates, who note, “Americans have a very acute sense that ‘Presidential Sharpies’ are extremely rare these days.  I wish every American could have a ‘Presidential Sharpie,’ but that is unlikely any time soon.  Unfortunately, Mr. Bush only gives out pens that he has actually used.  Fortunately, ever since congress questioned the use of crayon for signing bills into law, and insisted on using a pen, Mr. Bush has increased his pen use 666%.  Unfortunately, some of Mr. Bush’s Presidential Signing Statements have been so long that he has run out of ink, especially with so much doodling.”

So rare are ‘Presidential Sharpies’ that many Democrats have questioned their very existence, “If there is a ‘Presidential Sharpie,’ I have seen no evidence of it.”  

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Vice President Bush Declares Peace Through War

Vice President Bush today announced “mission accomplished” in fulfilling a long standing policy of peace through war.  We have committed 100% of our troops, with none to spare.  This assures that there will be no more war.  Except for a few technical challenges like robot warriors, space-based warfare, safe nuclear weapons, mass hallucination, and finding a politically safe way to reinstitute the military draft, peace is on the horizon.  Not since 1984, at the height of the Reagan regime, has peace been so passable.  Although I was drunk most of those years, my handlers tell me they were good times — though not necessarily the kind of good times that I was having.  I’m glad that I sobered up and could play a part in the frenzied peacemaking of the past few years.  I’ve been good or well with war, and that has brought peace.  I thank God for the gift of being Commander-in-chief, so I could learn that fighting wars is even better than drinking heavily.  And if war brings peace, then I’m all for war!”

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Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Bush’s War Has Signature: Brain Injury

Doctors say traumatic brain injuries are the signature wound of the Iraq war, a byproduct of improved armor that allows troops to survive once-deadly attacks but does not fully protect against roadside explosives and suicide bombers.  The syndrome, called by some “The Bush War Syndrome” has symptoms, which include slowed thinking, severe memory loss, and problems with coordination and impulse control.  Many of the most devastating effects are difficult to treat.  One victim had his math and reading skills deteriorate to a child’s level.  Another victim, was relieved from duty after he started to forget the difference between weapons.

Vice president Bush empathized with the victims, “I know exactly how they feel.  I don’t know what else to say.” 

General George Patton III discounted the whole uproar, “There is no such thing as brain injury.  These men are fully functional Republicans.  Sometimes my men are so devoted to their Commander-in-chief, they identify so totally with his leadership, that they take on his characteristics.  This is nothing to be ashamed of — not that they can feel shame anymore.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Congress Looks to Build 700 Mile Anti-Immigration Fence

House Republicans pushed through legislation Thursday to build 700 miles of fencing along the U.S.-Mexico border, trying to salvage part of broader immigration reform that has stalled.  The legislation would authorize building layered, reinforced fencing along part of the 2,000-mile U.S.-Mexico border.  Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., chairman of the Homeland Security Committee, said “The fact that we can’t do everything does not mean we should do nothing.  Look at Iraq.  If we had done nothing there, look what would have happened.  O.K., 35% may not be a passing grade, but Republicans have long insisted that testing is the key way to teach people.  So, we keep testing the American people.  Look what the Israeli wall has done for Israeli-Palestinian relations.  Look what the Berlin wall did for German relations.  Hey, tall fences make good neighbors.  You should see my neighborhood; the whole place is walled in, with security checkpoints and everything.  I’ve never felt safer!”

Vice President Bush commented on the bill, “I’ve spoken with ‘Link’ at the International Fence Builders Association, and he assures me that this is good for business; and what’s good for business is good for America.”

Democrats opposed the bill, but noted that this multi-billion dollar project may just be the jobs program for illegal immigrants that they couldn’t pass on their own.  One Democrat commented, “The real advantage of this bill is that by building a partial wall, it keeps the lazy illegal immigrants out, the one’s who can’t walk or get a ride around the fence.  The reality is that we all want illegal immigrants to do America’s grunt work on the cheap; we just don’t want lazy immigrants pushing Americans off welfare.”

More immigration links:

DMOZ: Society: Issues: Immigration: Pro-Immigration

About: Immigration Issues

Public Agenda: Immigration Issues

Center for Immigration Studies

NPR: Immigration Debate

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

College Republicans “Fun With Guns” Shoot Top Two-Dimensional Democrats

Republicans on Tuesday distanced themselves from campaign activities that encourage college students shoot cardboard cutouts of leading Democrats with a BB gun or paintball gun.  The Republican National Committee said it had no connection with Morgan Wilkins, the woman accused of organizing the offbeat campaign activities at the University of Michigan; although the RNC admitted that there is more connection than Iraq and 9/11.  Paul Gourley, chair of the College Republican National Committee, said Wilkins is an independent contractor hired to recruit students to the GOP, but he said the reported activities were not authorized.  Gourley said, “We don’t authorize activities  We just contract with Republican operatives and give them money.  Maintaining plausible deniability is at the core of our contractual relationships.  We’re not stupid!”

Democrats objected to the “Fun with Guns” event in strenuously luke-warm terms, “It’s not that we dare oppose the gun lobby during an election season, nor are we opposed to gun owners having fun.  We need the gun vote to out-Republican the Republicans, which by the way is getting harder every day!  We may not be able to come up with a coherent opposition to the war and violence in Iraq, or the daily gun violence in the streets of America, but we will say that shooting cardboard cutouts is just plain wrong.  We refuse to stand silent while others take aim at two-dimensional Democratic favorites such as Sens. Hillary Clinton and John Kerry with a BB gun or paintball gun.

One observer adroitly noted, “Wouldn’t it make better sense to run over middle-of-the-road Democrats than to shoot them?”

Get Weapon Free Zone (No Guns Allowed) - PEACE POSTER

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Gas Prices Could Plummet to Fuel Big Oil Election

Philip K. Verleger, a noted energy consultant who was a lone voice several years ago in warning that oil prices would soar, now says that they appear to be poised for a dramatic plunge, perhaps as low as $1.15 a gallon. A spokesperson for the Petroleum Profiteers Association said, “We have gas price gouged the American public enough.  Our multi-billion dollar cash reserves can now be used to fuel public confidence in a cheap petroleum economy and once again help assure big oil Republicans can win in the Fall elections.  We have heard the calls to give something back, and this is it.”  When confronted with the likelihood that gas price gouging would just start again once well-oiled politicians were in place, the spokesman replied, “We can’t predict the future, and if we could, we might not have to raise prices so high. Big oil is victimized by uncertainty just like our consumers are victimized by us.”

Vice president Bush welcomed the possibility of lower oil prices, “I see it as a vote of confidence in our ability to finally extract our oil from under the sand of our most unstable enemies.”

In an unrelated story, the globe warms to news of the unbridled free market accurately predicting the true cost of oil.

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

U.S. Animal Rights Activists Sentenced to 4 to 6 Years

Three animal rights activists from the group, Stop Huntingdon Animal Cruelty, were convicted under a U.S. anti-terrorism law were sentenced to up to 6 years in prison on Tuesday for a campaign against a British company that tests chemicals on animals.  Vice President Bush offered to mediate the conflict by offering that the British company test its chemicals on Iraqis.  Animal rights activist groups were quick to point out to Mr. Bush that Iraqis were, in fact, animals too.  Bush responded indignantly, “Hey, if Iraqis are animals, then what was such the big deal about the Abu Ghraib prison scandal abuses?!  First its human rights activists giving me a hard time.  Then it’s animal rights activists giving me a hard time.  You know, some of my best friends are humans, and some of my best friends are animals, so just get off my case!”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

U.S. Marines Deny Losing Iraq’s Biggest Province

The most senior US marine commander in Iraq has been forced to downplay a secret intelligence report which asserted that the United States had “lost” Anbar province, the main heartland of Sunni resistance to the US occupation.  The Marine Commander confessed, “we haven’t really ‘lost’ it, we’ve just misplaced it.  It’s been really hard to keep track of where everything is, with diminishing local cooperation.  We have a good idea where Anbar province probably is, and we won’t rest until we find it.”

Vice President Bush downplayed the report saying, “Secret intelligence?!  If there is any secret intelligence, I don’t know about it.  I can never seem to find my road map to peace anywhere when I want it, which, well, isn’t very often; but I’m sure it will show up someplace.  Any how, I find it much easier to just do what Dick tells me to — that’s a sure bet for my peace of mind.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Study Claims No Single “Gulf War Syndrome to Blame”

An expert panel reviewing hundreds of studies has concluded that there is no single “Gulf War syndrome” afflicting thousands of veterans of the 1990-91 conflict, although they have suffered vague symptoms at a much higher rate than other veterans.  They have also experienced post-traumatic stress disorder and depression two to three times as frequently as other veterans, the panel found.   The panel concluded that “unexplained illnesses are the most prevalent health outcome of service in the Gulf War.”

One expert on the panel commented, “It seems that just being in the Middle East is a risk factor for unexplained illnesses.  Fortunately, as long as we can’t name many of the problems, we are spared any responsibility to do anything about them.”  Some panel members hypothesized that “the stress of Middle Eastern residents having so much of our oil under their ground may be spilling over into health risks for our occupying armies.”  However, they cautioned that “the only way to test this hypothesis would be to remove all of our oil and see what happens.”  A Cheney administration official said “This scientific experiment could take many years, but our commitment to science has never been stronger.”

To protect against any possible Gulf War syndrome, the administration official re-affirmed the governments prohibitions against the use of agent orange, and re-committed itself to use “any means necessary” to win the war on terror, even stepping up its use of depleted uranium and “less lethal” microwave weapons whose use still offer acceptable levels of plausible deniability.

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Democrat Could Be 1st Muslim in Congress

Minneapolis State lawmaker Keith Ellison won the Democratic primary in his House district.  On Tuesday, voters responded to his liberal message calling for peace, withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq and universal health care.  In a heavily Democratic district, Ellison stands to be the first Muslim elected to Congress.  One Republic commentator remarked, “This is just proof positive that the Democratic Party is a party of terrorists.  All this talk of Islam as a religion of peace is playing into the hands of the Islamo-fascist terrorists.  This is a Christian nation and you are either for us or against us.  The fact that Ellison compared himself to the late Senator Paul Wellstone is all that I need to hear that he is a commie…I mean, an Islamo-terror-Nazi.”  Vice President Bush attempted a conciliatory note, saying “I have several muslin shirts.  Some of my best shirts are muslin.  I’m not sure why a shirt-maker would want to run for congress; maybe it’s because we’ve outsourced all of those jobs to Bangladesh.  Hey, if he can’t even compete with Bengal shirt-makers, I’m not sure how he’s going to get into congress.”

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

No Death Penalty for Marine Who Murdered an Iraqi Civilian

The government will not seek the death penalty for a Marine Corps corporal who is among eight troops charged with murder and other crimes in the shooting of a civilian Iraqi man, a military prosecutor told a hearing officer Tuesday.  Lance Cpl. Jerry E. Shumate Jr., 21, is accused in the killing of 52-year-old Hashim Ibrahim Awad last April in Hamdania, west of Baghdad.  Defense attorneys have questioned the credibility of the Iraqis who reported the killing to U.S. authorities, “These Iraqis could barely speak English good, and, really, there were so many bullets in Mr. Awad that it is impossible to say where they all came from.  Iraq is a virtual hornets nest of bullets flying everywhere.”  A Marine spokesman said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is just not what the Marines are about.  Besides, a murderous Marine is still worth a hundred Iraqi civilians.  Maybe if he had killed a hundred Iraqi civilians…”

At the hearing, the Marines father, Jerry Shumate Sr., wore a T-shirt emblazoned with the words, “My son, one of the few, the proud, a Marine.”  He later conceded, “All we can do is trust in our counsel and trust in our government.”   Not at the hearing, the victims father, wore a T-shirt emblazoned with the words, “My son, one of the many, the humble, murdered by a Marine.”
 

Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Convicted Republican Huckster Tom Noe Blames Bush-Cheney Campaign Officials

Fellow Toledoan Tom Noe has been sentenced by U.S. District Judge David Katz to spend 27 months in prison and to pay $136,200 in fines for giving two dozen friends and associates money to attend a high-priced luncheon with President Bush in 2003 in Columbus.  Noe noted with surprise, “So this is what it feels like to have convictions; I prefer sociopathy.”  Noe wowed onlookers with his signature ability to speak out of both sides of his face at once, by first claiming that he was accepting full responsibility for his crimes, and then claiming, “I was pressured by Bush-Cheney campaign officials to become a Pioneer for George Bush.”  Noe’s lawyers afterward admitted that “the devil made me do it” defense was a long shot since both Noe and his wife were previous chairs of the county Republican Party, and Noe schmoozed with big time Republicans like vice president Bush.  Noe’s lawyers also noted that it was unfortunate that this “devil made me do it” defense resulted in re-affirming in open court that the Republican Party is the devil, which, frankly, they had hoped somebody might question.  Noe remained optimistic about his prison term, saying “I was a college drop-out and I managed to get appointed by former Ohio Governor and current state senator George Voinovich to the Ohio Board of Regents, which oversees Ohio’s public colleges and universities.  I am hoping to be appointed to the Federal Board of Corrections.  It’s the least George can do for me; he still got his money just like I promised.”

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Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Iraq War Makes Us Less Safe and Jeopardizes National Security

Critics of the Cheney administration’s war in Iraq, once again charged that “the war in Iraq makes us all less safe and jeopardizes national security.”  President Cheney angrily rejected these charges saying, “These are the same old charges that we’ve all heard since the beginning of the quagmire in Iraq, and they are pure foolishness.  First, the Iraq war does not make ‘us all less safe;’ some of my best friends are delighted by this adventure and are counting on me to secure a continued environment of ‘profitable chaos’ for their business ventures.  Second, the idea that occupying Iraq ‘jeopardizes national security’ is absurd.  Certainly, our presence jeopardizes Iraq’s national security, but not our national security.  We learned from the Katrina debacle and the Iraq war that the national security sector profits much more easily from operations half way around the globe, away from the prying eyes of a free press and calls for accountability.  The calls for justice after Katrina were not as easily deflected with our arsenal of scapegoating and demonizing of our enemies.  For some reason, demonizing other Americans has been getting us diminishing returns.  I mean, New Orleans was gay, Black, poor, and Democratic, but even all of that is not getting the same traction as it once did.  If our national security sector is to remain securely profitable, we are going to have to rely on foreign wars.” 

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Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Cheney Admits Couldn’t Do Better in Iraq War

President Cheney on Meet the Press confessed that his administration could not have done any better in the Iraq war, “…if we had it to do over again, we’d do exactly the same thing.”  Cheney said, “I’m not going to waste my time or the American people’s time trying to think about anything differently.  I’m not getting paid for my imagination, creativity, or, God forbid, any humility; I’m getting paid by Halliburton through a complex series of financial machinations that will keep my out of jail and living the American dream for the rest of my life.”  Pressed on the issue if his administration had made any mistakes, Cheney confided, “Look, we all knew that Iraq was a quagmire from the beginning.  Americans were practically begging for a 9/11 scapegoat; we only gave them what they wanted.  Besides, Iraq is just kids’ stuff; wait until we take on Iran — that’s where the real oil slick begins!  The permanent fear of a permanent war creates an incredible business climate where American businesses, and a coalition of willing multinational corporations, can compete best.  The U.S. Armed Forces is actually the best tool for business growth in the world.  Eisenhower was certainly no fool when he spoke of the military-industrial complex.  Of course, oil wars hurt, but it’s a price we’re willing to have others pay.  If we don’t secure the world’s oil resources before  global warming overcomes us, there is no saying who will rule the post-apocalyptic world.  We, of course, plan to rule what’s left of the world.”

In an unrelated story, vice president Bush announced the formation of The Emergency Preparedness Center on Armageddon, Rapture and Other Epic Biblical End-Time Stuff, to be housed under the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives.

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Top Pun’s Funny News may not be completely factual, but it has a frighteningly close resemblance to the truth.  Any reference to president George W. Bush does not imply that he is an actual president.

Lesbian Moms Replace Soccer Moms as Hot New Polling Demographic

Another great parody from Fake Gay News

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